It had only been a month and a half since my mom died, and my dad was not doing well.

So, one afternoon I stopped by to check on him, he was sitting in the kitchen eating a tuna sandwich… completely naked with the neighbor lady Mrs. Martin, also naked, drinking tea out of my mother’s favorite teacup.

I stopped cold when I saw them; too far in the kitchen to back out they saw me. I quickly averted my eyes as to not see my father BRAVADO lying on the chair to Mrs. Martin, who’s seventy-something landing strip stared at me like an old Billy goat who was sticking his tongue out. I was frozen, my dad said, “Lisa Hi, do you know Helen?” Mrs. Martin said, “Yes, we met at your mother’s funeral, it was beautiful. Speaking of the neighbors we are all going to miss her.” as she talked her breast that resembled basset hound ears swayed back and forth, I was transfixed.

They were the ones who are naked, so why do I feel so naked?

When I left the house that afternoon, I felt I had lost my voice or compass, like that deaf dumb and blind kid. Who sure plays mean pinball?

That night I had one of my recurring naked dreams, where I’m eight years old, sitting at my desk in school and wearing no pants. All the kids were coming in, and I could not get up for fear of them seeing my naked hairless girl parts.

Now, I don’t come from a particularly naked family, nor modest. We’re Jews, we’re somewhere in the middle.

Six months to the day I found my dad and Mrs. Martin, they were married.

Mrs. Martin brother, Howard was one of the first family members I met, at the wedding reception. He introduced himself and his wife to me. Making small talk I asked “how did you meet you wife? He said, “Well. I’m an ASS man like your father”. I met my wife while she was bent over a Xerox machine and I thought to myself, Howard I got to git me some of that.” Did I mention Howard is a Republican living at a retirement community in Orange County?

A little later that evening I overheard Howard say to the only black man at the wedding, “I am a huge fan of Amos and Andy. Did you vote for Obama?”

Now I was fascinated by Howard. I followed him around for the rest of the night.

Later he said to my sister, “Now that I’m your Uncle do you know what that means? We’re going to have to stop having sex.” I could tell by the confused look on sister’s face, she thought Howard was a crazy man.

But Howard wasn’t crazy… just inappropriate.

Life has inappropriate moments, like driving two hours on Christmas to beg your cheating husband to come home and sobbing on his doorstep screaming obscenities until Police arrive.

When the police arrived, my husband poked his head out, then stepped over my sniveling body to shake their hands, while shaking hands one of the cops said, “Jilted wives do these things. Do you want us to take care of her?”

“What like off me? I said

My husband looked down at me and said sternly, “Lisa, you’re out of line.”

He said I was out of line. I thought you my husband of 18 years- who has a child with me, who left for me for a goth chick, who works at Hot Topic, who has a Chihuahua, who’s name is Chachi was out of line. Or is his goth chick out of line for sleeping with a married man. Inappropriate? Out of line? Divorced.

In my following relationship I slept with my ex-boyfriend knowing he was heartbroken over another girl. A girl he dated when we were together.

One time he answered the phone in the middle of sex in case the girl who broke his heart was calling. Who was more inappropriate, me for sleeping with him? Or he for sleeping with me? Or he answering the phone just in case it was her?

Recently my ex-husband left the goth chick after 8 years. He called and hinted that we both were single and asked if I could be his sounding board, “cuz I have always been a safe place for him” I said, “NO, Inappropriate! ” because I have developed boundaries.

And I have, with the new guy I’m seeing I have it under control with boundaries and appropriate behavior.

On our first date we went to dinner and a movie and except for his incessant pot smoking, before dinner, after dinner, before the movie and after the movie, I’d say the date was going really, really well. So, I invited him in, lit a candle and put on some Jackson Browne.

We sat on my couch he smelled of patruchli oil and Crest.

I looked in his very soft eyes and said, ”let’s just kiss and get it over with”, he open his mouth and nearly swallowed my head, but I was enjoying it. He leaned me back, my short skirt inched up a bit too much, next thing I know his head was between my legs. Okay, this is going to fast I thought, but it feels good, but too fast, but it does feel so, so super good… boundaries I thought as I had an orgasm, boundaries. He stood up ripped his shirt off and maybe beat his chest and started undoing his pants. “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, slow down, too, too much too, too soon I said as I pulled my skirt down. Did I do something to make you think you should take your clothes off?” He looked at me dumbfounded and rearranged himself. He left. I liked him.

On our subsequent dates he was a perfect gentleman. Cuz I set such good boundaries. Life is so much more comfortable when there are clear boundaries, even when you have an iffie compass. I convinced him taking it slow and enjoying this time, was good…. once we have sex then we’ve had it and we can’t go back. Let’s enjoy the lead up, the foreplay. Cause once you’re in a relationship the foreplay gets shorter and shorter until it’s just,

“pull my nightie down when your done.”

So, let’s focus on the journey, not the destination. It’s nice to take your time. He did not agree.

We would meet for breakfast, go see movies, go on hikes. We would make out passionately, but that was all. He hated it, but hung in.

Lisa, just take the top of the mushroom, the cap that’s all you need. It will just change the way you see colors in the Forest. It’s a very subtle high.”

I have never ever done mushrooms… but why not? He’s proved to be so trustworthy, look how patient he’s been with me

There was a slight chilled, we discussed politics and poetry with the leaves crunching under our feet, he held my hand and carried our backpack full of Trader Joes snacks and our compass as not to get lost. The crunching leaves began to have this musical quality and the greenness of the trees was astounding. I waxed on about how appropriate and sweet our courting had been… and felt this overwhelming need to feel the cool breeze on my skin….

I pulled off my sweater and felt the breeze on arms… then I whipped off my tee-shirt and bra… I sat down on the leaves bare-chested it was ecstasy.

Oh my god! Lisa, Lisa, Lisa what are you doing?

Get naked with me. I then took off my pants and panties. You need to feel it! Let your penis blow in the wind, let it blow. Look at the colors of my nipples. What color are they exactly?

Nipples are remarkable… like erect flowers, feel them. “No, Lisa I am not feeling your nipples. Get dressed.”

“The sun is warming my vagina; let it warm your penis. Take off your clothes, it’s life changing”

[Tweet theme=”basic-border”]Tears began to flow down my cheeks. “I can see through it! I can see rainbows through my pussy,[/Tweet]

Tears began to flow down my cheeks. “Look at my beautiful pussy! I can see through it! I can see rainbows through my pussy, it’s the window to the world. I want to feel you inside me… so you can see the world too. It’s appropriate, my tears taste amazing. We could smear dirt on our face and make love in black face. You should taste my tears, they have reason. Do you want to lick my face?

Okay, Lisa listen, “please, please put your clothes on. “My dad’s an ass man! I yell, “My dad’s an ass man!”

Jack, starts trying to get me dress, I stiffen my body like a baby and then go limp making it impossible to get me dressed.

Please, I need to get you back to the car.

Okay, but carry me naked! Just carry me naked. He bent over to pick me up off the forest floor.

No, I cried, Carry me naked!

You are naked, he said with a slight panic in his voice.

But you’re not naked! Carry me naked! Just, carry me naked.

Lisa, I don’t understand.

You need to be naked… to carry me naked.

He stared at me for hours or minutes. I’m not sure which.

And with a steady resolve he quickly took his clothes off his clothes, shoved them along with mine in the back pack. I looked at him standing naked wearing only his hiking boots with a beautiful giant fuschia aura surrounding him, his grey chest hairs glistening, pulsing moving in the sunlight, like there was another world an alternate universe in there.

He picked me up naked. And began to walk as quickly as possible, crunching leaves, twigs breaking, over logs and through a babbling brooks. By the time he carried me the three miles out of the forest…. my mushrooms had wear off. I was cold, wearing just his shirt feeling incredible inappropriate, gladly inappropriate.

He looked at me and said, I think I like you inappropriate. Hungry we went through the drive through at Tommy’s ordered chili cheese burgers and went back to my house, he got stoned and we make love for the first time. Then he whispers in my ear,

“Carry me naked, just carry me naked.”